Where did I go?

When you love, you lose yourself. The feel of their skin, warm and soft replaces the feel of yours. The long fingers, nails bitten rough, which hold your hands in a close embrace replace your own smaller and pinker hands. When you look at your eyes in the mirror they are replaced by their green encircled hazel eyes, with that stupid adoring look etched into them. The truth is, when you love you just aren’t you anymore. You become a mutant or a cross-breed of boy and girl. Your bodies which are pressed together so often, limbs entangled, fuse into one. The whole five-foot-three of you feels a foot taller. Their name dominates your life; conversation with anybody is said in their voice. Your jokes are jokes that they would make and your laugh is now theirs. When you’re out without them you’ll see reminders of their face on the faces of strangers. You can’t escape, even when you clutch at sleep as it flutters by, it is them in their entirety which will fill your dreams. Your life will be dominated by them. By an us. There is no I in love. No individuality is possible. You will be ‘his girlfriend’ or he will be ‘your boyfriend’. You’ll find yourself asking, “Where did I go? When did I lose my name?”. The final step is the loss of all ownership over yourself. Once you give them everything you have, every inch of you, every feeling and thought, you belong to them; but only because it’s just easier to lose yourself in all of this than to lose them to the masses. And although you become one, it will always still be their arms that pull you close when you lie together in bed. It will always be their eyes and goofy goddamn smile that find a way to soothe and comfort you and make you smile in turn. I guess the real truth is that a day passed without seeing the look of concentration on their face, lips slightly parted and eyebrows raised, while they drive, a day without them laying between your legs and resting their head on your chest whilst sighing slightly would be a pretty lonely day. It would be a day made a little darker by their absence, and in fact every day that you don’t lie next to them or touch them just to prove they’re real…every day like that breaks your heart a little more.

When you love, you lose yourself in the moment.